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CharlieBurnham
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Name: StevenJ.
Country: Bolivia
State: Cochabamba
Birthday: 11/18/1984
Gender: Male
Interests: passport stamps. Thoreau. explosions in the sky. godspeed you black emperor. toe sex. spanish kids who see you get off the bus a block away and run all the way into your arms every single day.
Expertise: ultimate frisbee, roadtrips. packing light. the practice of going barefoot. avoiding showers. procrastinating. being introverted.
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  ToothlessED
Member Since:
3/2/2004
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| january.
to be read by yourself. then shared with others.
i'll start with a quote from my favorite movie of '06: Waking Life
Soap Opera Woman:
Excuse me.
Wiley:
Excuse me.
Soap Opera Woman:
Hey. Could we do that again? I know we haven't met, but I don't want to
be an ant. You know? I mean, it's like we go through life with our
antennas bouncing off one another, continously on ant autopilot, with
nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there.
All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep
this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. "Here's
your change." "Paper or plastic?' "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup
with that?" I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to
see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't
want to be ant, you know?
...lately i've been having these moments....with people. they are hard to describe and obviously i can't go into too much detail, but they have been simply amazing. on four occasions in the last week i have found myself at probably the most honest point in four important friendships in my life. and i simply love it.
i'm learning what it means to be a friend all over again....
...how it is so much more than laughing and making jokes and having good moments.friendship is so much more than even knowing likes and dislikes, i'm being reminded all over again that friendship requires something else....vulnerability. i know this is elementary, but to me these past few days, it has been revolutionary. vunerability, at least for me, and for a lot of people i know, sucks...
i have this group of friends that i've known since highschool.....D.F., K.P, M.V., R.B, E.B., E.F., E.O., C.B., D.S., J.E., N.B. J.D.L., T.J., L.O., T.B., S.Y., J.Y., G.R., C.S., S.L., J.M.(J.S.), K.T., just to name a few. and over this christmas break i'm realizing two things.
1. these are my core friends and will be forever.
2. everybody, at some point, no matter how many friends they have, or how close they feel with people, or how long they have known somebody, feels isolated, different, or isolated at times, even with their best friends.
what is it about the human race that hesitates to be vulnerable with each other? i had an awesome conversation with my friend steph about this, about how when the walls come down and we are who we really are, that is when true community is, that is when we really feel accepted, when we say..."this is who i am....i hate life" or " i feel very alone" or "i'm so jealous of this person cause they have it all together" or "i've struggled with this all my life and i don't think i'll ever get it right."
it's scary shit.
cause for me i immediately think that i will get rejected by whoever i say it to.
but i'm realizing it's worth the risk.
cause when somebody does listen, and then hugs you anyways, despite your junk....it's an amazing moment.
i'm not one for new years resolutions, in fact i usually hate them, cause it seems phony to try and change your life just cause you change your calendar, but this year i got excited...to be love more. i know this sounds like it should be on a coca-cola commercial, but i feel like the people i know the best NEED MORE of it. i know I do!
ok....one last thing... you know how the bible says "God is Love", right? so....when i say to my friend or roomate or girlfriend or wife..."i love you".... am i really saying "I God you"?? by telling somebody i love them or by being in a loving relationship, am i...actually bringing God to earth? is he in the center of every love that i have? are we growing closer to God just as we grow closer to our friends? i have a lot more to think about....but for the first time in awhile....i'm hopeful again.
so yea. nothing profound. just whats in my head. happy new love.
~Charlie.
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| october.2.
to be read alone. with the lights off.
It's late.
"What a perfect night" he thinks to himself.
The stars are out in numbers and span the late summer sky from end to end. The New England weather is cool, but just crisp enough to keep them huddled close under their blanket, her hand in his, her head on his shoulders as they stare into space and forget about everything else around them.
"There's one!" she cries with delight. And she was right. A beaming light brighter than a firecracker screams across the northern sky and bursts into flame. They are the only two out this late to enjoy its beauty.
With excited and eager eyes they both settle in to watch for more.
They get lost in conversation for what seems like hours, but what does time matter when getting to know somebody new? They laugh and get serious and then laugh some more, counting shooting stars until they run out of fingers, trying to soak up as much summer as they can, meanwhile realizing in the back of their minds that in a few short weeks, fall would strike...and with it, complications.
It's late.
"What a sad night" he thinks to himself.
The leaves are starting to turn colors on their trees and the Chicago winds bustle with great force. Quietly, he sits on his back porch, looking up at her, but she won't return his gaze. She can't. Words are spoken, but what good are they to spell out in detail. Sadness is the only word that matters now. Finally eyes meet for just a split second, and with that connection their whole story is told. Regret, disappointment, anger, pain, care, lust, love, confusion, these are all translated into one momentary glance. They realize the summer has passed and autumn has now fallen, but don't understand that the pain could just be beginning.
It's late.
"What a lonely night" he thinks to himself.
Darkness fills his room, save three small candles and his slow moving music. his ears are still red from the cold october wind as he slouches down to empty his heart onto a rusty keyboard. The leaves are all dead now, laying in big piles by the side of the road, waiting for somebody to burn them away. The outdoor crowds had been loud tonight, the soccer game a good one, fools dressed up for a cold Halloween night, friends in scores all around, but only one person had been on his mind all night. He had gone for one distinct reason, to get it of his mind, to attempt to smile for a little bit. He briefly scanned the crowd looking for her face, and when he couldn't find it, sat down to forget things and be happy. But fate would play things differently tonight. Why was her face not in the crowd, because she was sitting in front of him. Only inches away, a space that used to vanish when they embraced, now seemed like miles, an impenetrable chasm impossible to cross. She didn't turn, and he didn't know if he wanted her to. Awkwardness rippled through the crowd and at once all hope of being satisfied was over. He excuses himself quietly and walks home slowly.
With a somber but hopeful heart, though he knows what the future holds, he thinks back to that summer night, walking home through the trees full of green leaves, looking at her.
"Whatever happens...," he had said to her smiling "whatever happens....between us.... i want you to know I will always look back on this night with you and smile."
and.
i guess.
despite it all.
yea, he still does.
~charlie | | |
| october. to be read in your head and thought about as you fall asleep.
To live is to feel.
And to feel is to want.
And to want is to want love.
It is one of the most basic yet profound of all the human desires, the need for acceptance. From the moment we are born every single human being develops this powerful urge to belong and to be cared for. At first we cling to our parents because they give us all the affection we need and want. When we get to school we learn to make friends based on who will make us content, and in high school we form cliques and join certain groups who we feel are most like us, who we can connect with. College comes and once again we cannot escape that feeling, that thought, that wanting of acceptance and love. So what do we do to solve it? We conform, we adapt, we profoundly change who we are to what others want to see in us so that we belong. We lower our standards. God, how we settle for less than what we were born for. We drink down poison and then look for the first set of lips and eyes to heal our pain of loneliness. Because we are ALL lonely my friends. And none of us can deny that. You may eat with your family, study with your roommates, play with your friends, and sleep with your significant other, but at the end of the day when you close your eyes you are still going to dream and be alone. And who will be there to comfort you then? Maybe we as a school, a country, a generation, a species, spend way too much time “looking for love in all the wrong places”. What if that overwhelming, burning, aching desire that we strive for has been there all along? Every single day, waking up thinking “today will be the day I feel ok”, and every single night when we think “when will I meet Mr. or Mrs. Right”, maybe there was somebody sitting beside you and me that whole time, just waiting for us to ask for HIS love. Maybe God has more to offer to us than a list of rules and old hymns that nobody likes. Maybe to live is to feel, to feel is to want, and to want is to desire the crazy, passionate, unbelievable, unconditional love that God YEARNS to give to us.
i dunno, just a thought.
~charlie
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| august................
it's 3:30 in the morning. the only visible light is the moon and the end of the cigarrette on her lips. the forest shakes in the breeze and sweet melodies erupt from my car stereo as we sit and look back on our summer together, as well as the cold, chicago winter that rapidly aproaches us without warning. how does one capture the activities and thoughts and frustrations and elations and sadness and power of a summer? how do you translate so many emotions to a mouse and keyboard?
slowly.
and in big generalizations to keep people guessing.
Ten weeks in New England working with junior highers sounded like Heaven to me in May, was Hell in the middle of July, but here in August, with three days left of this new home that I have found, my mezcla of feelings is so diverse that all i can do is to cherish these people i have met and grown to love, while all but exploding with excitement and anticipation of a return to school and back to "normal" life.
The kids up here have rocked me more than i expected. Every single day they remind me so much that life is short and must be cherished, that grown ups are boring, and that we have to laugh and have a touch of insanity if we think we can survive. The junior highers fit perfectly for me. They are at that awkward age where they still want to be silly and play with sticks and throw stuff at girls, but are coming of age and willing to be whatever it is you tell them to be. i love their moldability.
the staff up here is what i expected. There are a select few who i just love and could live with on a deserted island forever, the rest i struggle to find myself comfortable with, all the while second-guessing myself and feeling awkward. In all i am being content in who i am and enjoying solitude among the New Hampshire woods and lakes. i saw an owl the other day.
it's wierd. three weeks ago all i could think about was getting home and living a real life again. Now with sparse days left here, i regret waisting my time in waiting. One half loves the responsibility here, the purpose and occasional peace that is granted to me when my mind is right. The other half hates the rigidness of having a job 24/7 for two months straight. My independence and sporadic desires for freedom have been under a tight leash. I'm also looking forward to being an environment in which i can experience grown up feelings, and do grown up things again. I'm anxious about the fall, to see what happens with relationships that I've made, both new and old ones, shallow and suprisingly very deep; what does God have in store? thankfully this week i have been given a new-found sense of peace and lack of control, which is satisfying.
when i was 19 i figured out what i wanted out of life.....sounds ridiculous i know. i remember the evening so clearly. i was on my back porch watching the sun set and journaling about what would satisfy me. i was reminded of that night this summer while fighting with God late one night in a dusty parking lot over-looking a golf course. The night ended with him asking me simply "What do you want?". A few days later i remembered..... just four things will give me what i want.
1. Purpose.
2. Adventure
3. Community.
4. Peace.
In no particular order.
simple, i guess. makes me wonder how things get so fucked up sometimes. i cant help but laugh at myself when i think that i can do things on my own, that i actually know what life is and how it should be lead. i wonder if God is laughing too, or perhaps not....
i'll leave you with a song we sing every week to the families that spend time here....
"The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious, gracious, gracious to you. The Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you, give you, give you peace."
sjc.
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| april_
(to be read aloud. quickly. with loud, exciting music in the background)
overbearing, heart aching, searching, praying, simply saying that there's so, so, so much more than this shit that i've been living for. This life of drunken, foolish waste and sin so deep you dare to taste your own heart's blood as you're dying to death, a cigarette's smoke is your very last breath and you've fallen short of what you need and to the spinning ceiling you plead for something, nothing, anything more, looking for what you were made for. your best friend lies and your creator sighs as you wish your goodbyes, and hard though he tries to keep dry his eyes, i couldn't deny the day my hope dies....yes friends and colleagues, sisters and brothers, kids and ex-lovers, my hope fell short like a last place runner, my horse gave way, her legs were done-her eyes fell shut to never open again. my future was gone. at least that was the plan. apathy overwhelmed me, greed was my need. lust was just all i sought, i bought my happiness and peace in kind, and swallowed it down 40 ounces at a time. it seemed that i was lost at sea.........until something new happened to me.
it can't be explained, as rarely it should, and if i knew how to do it, i don't know if i would, cause there's something...mysterious about when God shows his face. Yes, there's something inexplicable when it comes to his grace. But when Jesus shows up, you know it, and you can't hold it in, the sin that ate you for so long is gone, east to west, worst to best, forget the rest of this world or those girls or that booze cause you choose to lose all the shit that had captured you, enraptured you in it's gluttony and waste and sin of the flesh, cause get this! Wish Jesus you start fresh! No more chains, you are changed! No more rags, but exchange them for clothes of righteousness! I'm realizing this life is not my own, I'm not alone or forced to roam from one day to the next, perplexed with these complex subjects of meaning and purpose, which is simply thus: to worship God! odd, how long we struggle to find meaning, seemingly trying every attempt to vent our pent up emotions on some notion that gives us peace. but it's just as such. peace is when i decrease! when i cease to be steven john, this kid a little withdrawn but kinda nice, and start being Christ!
where do we go, you know? what do we do from here? It's not clear how to steer the overwhelmed helm of my ship, for fear of what is ahead. i guess i'll try and rely on just daily bread.
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